the blues?

ok so maybe you were not expecting to see a picture of snoop dogg on my blog but i can explain. for me, this picture is the perfect metaphor for how it feels to be in a host family sometimes. you walk in to a preformed family that already has rules and habits and a life (not to mention the whole only black person in the fam thing). the point is inserting yourself into someone else's life is strange even if they ask for it. it's been two months and sometimes i still feel like an outsider, like i came over for dinner and just didn't leave. sometimes i sit at the dinner table and listen to these people speak a foreign language and i just think "what the living heck am i doing here?"

it is weird coming from a family that has a very clear and constant idea of what family is. growing up i knew what a family was. it was the charlots. my dad, my mom, my brother, and i we were a real family. i knew how to a child was supposed to talk to their parents. i knew how siblings were supposed to treat each other. being a family was all about love and respect and you always were there for your family. having such a strong image be a part of my life makes it hard and uncomfortable for me when things are done differently. of course i've had fights with my family but i never once wished to change families. i guess i just assumed because family came so easily to me in America that i would fit into my host family the same way. unfortunately i chose to study abroad in france and not paradise so obviously things can't be that easy.

as thanksgiving (aka national eat until your stomach falls out day) approaches i find myself longing more and more for the kind of family i know. i don't what it is but the thought of having this thanksgiving without my family and my food makes me cry every time i think about it. im crying as i type this. frfr. like the other day when i had to do my natural hair and it took hours because my mom couldn't help me like she usually does. but i do try to combat these stinky feelings. i try to spend time with my host family and my journal entries have been particularly long and of course i find solace in music. but i guess these feelings are to be expected. my liaison told me i would have the blues a 2 weeks. now two months have gone by and i haven't really felt them until not so i suppose they are just overdue.

but like i said it feels like i am a house guest and sometimes it just feels as though i've overstayed my visit.

pinkies crossed this passes and thanks for reading!

anj