QUAT?

quat: a word i have made up to express surprise/disbelief comprised of the words quoi (french for what) and what (english for what). i feel that this word pretty much sums up how i am feeling at the moment. we are in febuary. quat? that means i've been in france for 5 months. quat?? which means i'm halfway through my exchange. QUAT??? i feel like my junior year is going by incredibly fast. much, much faster than freshman and sophomore. it's kinda crazy. i feel like i just got here and it is so crazy to think that the same amount of time that i've been here is all that stands between me and going home. it is hard to explain but there are times when i feel like i am just flying by. the weeks wiz by and i have no way of stopping them. it seems that this is not just a condition of being abroad. the other day i spoke to one of my friends from home and she said that same thing though i am sure being so far from home has something to do with what i am feeling. perhaps it is also knowing that when i come home i only have one more year before i leave for college or maybe i am feeling so strongly that every decision i make now will directly affect my future. as each day, each week passes i not only feel closer to the end of my exchange but i also feel like i am on loose freight train to the closest thing a high schooler can get to judgment day: college applications. it seems odd that all of my life choices up to this point will be so objectively judged. i try to remind myself that my worth is not determined by an admissions officer but how could it not be? my intelligence, my habits good and bad, my charitableness, my talents and activities all add up to a package that will be deemed either acceptable or unacceptable for institutions all over the countries. part of me feels it's too early to worry and another feels it is too late but either way i know it is not the right time.

besides growing anxiety about the future, this halfway point also means i have been in france for more than a minute. the honeymoon phase has definitely left us and what's left is real life. for better or for worse as they say. disagreements with my host family or friends, though while not common, do happen but i suppose i am somewhat grateful for them because they show me that the people in my french life view me as one of them plus i always feel proud of my french when i can hold my own in an argument. still, there are some things that i feel i will never understand. when i run into these things i try my best to not think of home (and advise other exchange students to do the same). i think it is unfair to compare france to my home. my home is where i grew up, where my friends and family shaped who i am today of course aspects of the culture will be better suited to me because it is a part of me. it is hardest to remember that when i get into an argument that i wouldn't have to get into at home. i've notice that at this point i don't get homesick as much as i yearn to be understood the same way i am at home. i yearn to be with people who know me so well that i don't need to speak to be heard. you would think that having an extraordinary group of family and friend in your corning would be a blessing, and it is, but it has made it extraordinarily hard to be without them. it is not a language thing i think it is more an issue of the culture of my region. thinking is different than i am used to but i think that is for the best. i don't intend to live in maplewood forever and these challenges have forced me to think so deeply about myself: who i want to be and how i want to represent myself to the world.

when i thought about studying abroad i always thought of the friends i would make in school but the real gems of my exchange have been all the other exchange students i've met so far. last weekend was an AFS weekend and every time i go it is like plugging myself into a socket and recharging. i promise you in all of my exchange i never laugh harder than when i am with my AFSers. talk about being understood. it is such a blessing to be with such like-minded and loving people. it took me a long time to find the group of friends i have in america but somehow spending 3-6 days with AFSers made them some of my favorite people on the planet and i would gladly let anyone of them stay at my house (in fact some plans have already been made). it's also really valuable for me to have young people other than the ones in my school because everyone in my school thinks and dresses the same which makes sense because they all grew up in the same place and for the most part have experienced the same things but it is so cool to sit over dinner and talk about the school system in five different countries. i love how different we all are and how each of us brings something different to the table. all of my best days in france have been spent with other exchange students. besides all the unexpected love and friendships i've made it's also nice to know that if i want to do a soul searching tour around europe i'll never have to spend a penny on a hotel. :)

see yall next time,

anj